What the Black Lives Matter Movement Means To Me

     It is so important to me that non POC understand that BLM is not a threat to all lives. I cannot express or explain this enough. BLM and the presence of systemic racism does not mean that if you aren’t black you haven’t had a hard life or you don’t have struggles. 

     It does not mean that ONLY black lives matter. 

     It does not mean that the lives of cops do not matter.

     It simply means that the lives of black people are devalued by so many people in this country and in the world which leads to tragedies and injustice like the murder of George Floyd and an overwhelming long list of others. 

     The BLM movement represents that as a white person the color of your skin has not played a part in your personal struggles nor has it made your life harder in the way that it does for POC.

     My hope is is that my friends and allies use this time to listen quietly and learn from the experiences of POC. That they recognize their privilege as well as realizing that having that privilege does not make you a bad person. It does not mean that you are assumed a racist or that years and years of racism is your fault. I hope that my friends learn about more than just the death of George Floyd. I hope that they look backwards to see all the other countless POC that were taken from their families unjustly and see that all of those lives, as a whole, are how we have gotten here.  It is so important that people know that this is not solely about one man and police brutality. This pain is so much deeper and seeps so much further into every aspect of our lives. 

     For me, this is about what little black girls feel when they play on all white soccer teams their whole life, while teammates parents ask them why they didn’t play basketball. 

     It’s about little black girls who avoided the pool at an early age because they soon realized that once their hair got wet they were different and now the subject of everyone’s jokes.

     It’s about being a young black kid with red eyes from allergies not wanting to go anywhere because people accuse them of smoking weed.

     It’s about proving yourself time and time again, but still being underestimated every math class in every university and at every job you have ever walked into.

     It’s about how fast my heart beats anytime I accidentally leave the house without my ID.

     Or what it’s like to move across the country for grad school and struggle to make friends because of the color of my skin. Whats it’s like to walk the campus of that school when “Nigger” is frequently plastered all over the free expression tunnel. 

     It’s about the anger my wife and I feel when people constantly ask me for help in retail stores because they assume that I must work there.

     I realize that these are scenarios that most of you haven’t even thought about, but the saddest part about that is even with all the discrimination I have felt in my life, it still does not add up to what black men like George Floyd go through everyday. Despite what fear and pain I have experienced, I still have more privilege than George Floyd and it is my duty just like yours to recognize that. 

     I want my allies to know that this is my everyday life, and although I don’t blame you for it, I charge you with the effort of trying to learn it and help fight against it. 

     I want to make it known that nothing about this murder is new. The anger and sadness you are just now feeling about George Floyd, I have felt over and over for countless others. I don’t have to research their names and their stories because I have the life of Tamir Rice, Stephon Clark, Trayvon Martin and Oscar Grant engraved in my mind. I will forever have visions and nightmares of the beautiful life that was taken from them, the image of what they could have become, and the idea that that could have been me jogging, my cousin walking or my dad on the BART.

     We are all guilty of ignorance about something, and if you have been ignorant on this topic, it does not mean that I don’t appreciate you. It doesn’t mean that you checking in on me doesn’t give me peace and make me hopeful, but please know that checking on your black friends and posting black squares needs to be followed up with diligent education on the problem. We need continued listening and learning. We need relentlessness in defending POC and their right to equality. We need you to step up to those who ignore their privilege and exacerbate the problem. We need persistence to fight the problem until the problem no longer exists. 

     There are so many people in my life who are not POC who have changed my life for the better. People who have believed in me and gave me opportunities when no one did. I think that is is so important to recognize the people that have raised me up and supported me in addition to the people who have discriminated against me.

     My Former college coach was the first person to ever defend me and invest in my value. The women I have played soccer with my entire life have been predominantly white and I would not be who I am without them. My first boss when I became a data scientist was also white and repeatedly told me I was good enough while always showing me patience and grace. And although My wife has never been mistreated based on her skin color, she defends me constantly and reminds me and others how important it is to fight for equality. 

     I want my non POC friends and family to know how much I love them. How much they have changed my life and I appreciate them, but also want them to know how much more I need from them in this space. 

To my POC: 

     I recognize that as a people we have been so patient and accommodating. I know that some people don’t have any patience left to give, but I also know that this fight cannot be fought without the support of all mankind. I ask that we give our allies time to listen and learn. That we are receptive to people that are just now realizing their privilege and their ignorance, and that we focus on their intent. I don’t believe that it is ever too late for someone to try to become better a human or a better ally. I don’t suggest we run anyone away who truly wants to make changes and be a better person. Let’s be receptive to someone’s interests to learn and grow. We cannot define them simply based the way we see them protesting or the pace at which they are learning. Let’s open our hearts to them and not denounce them. I understand there is a stark difference between people posting support because it’s popular on instagram and people who genuinely care, but I believe that everyone’s true colors are shown eventually. Let’s breed love with love and accept anyone who truly wants to fight this fight with us. 

     And to anyone who is fighting for this movement. If you really believe that Black Lives Matter is a necessary fight to prove that All Lives Matter, then it is your duty to show up for all of the other marginalized people in this world. I do not condone asking for people to support us and give us equality, if we do intend to do the same for the rest of the marginalized people that don’t look like us or don’t share our experiences. It is just as important that you show up for the the trans people that are killed in the streets that no one ever talks about. I ask that you stand up for the undocumented, the DACA “dreamers” and the people with English as their second language. I ask that you show up for the disabled and the mentally ill. If you believe in BLM then you must believe in representation and equality for anyone who is oppressed or ignored in this country. Remember that when you are chanting “Equality for all”, that “all” means everyone, whether they look like you or not.

     I love you all. Let’s continue to love, be understanding and be hopeful.

Best thing

It's my first night in the house by myself. The first time sleeping alone in a long time. I've never been that girl that needed to be held to feel ok. I've never really felt the plague of loneliness. I've never needed someone to make me complete. 

But this is different. This is not loneliness. This is actually power and vigor. Happiness and fear all at the same time. I'm connected to you in a way that I can't really put into words. Your being alone makes everything ok. The thought of you makes me feel endless. Like I'm enough and full. You make me feel like my goals aren't big enough. Like the vision of my life falls short of what is actually going to happen. You make me feel powerful and limitless. Like the rest of my life is somehow greater than what I expected it to be. 

I don't know that I deserve you and I know I can't predict the future but what I do know, is that now that I've had you, life without you, seems nearly impossible. You are the very best thing and I love you.

Progress Interrupted

December 15th, 2016
It is unrealistic to think that I can feel like this for 4 years. That I can walk around with this much pain and anger and fear for the next 4 years of my life. This is my life and my time and my freedom. I am owed those years and no one can take them from me. I don't ever want feel the way I felt on Election night. I don't want to feel like my life is suddenly on the line because I lost an election.
So, I'm going to write down exactly how I feel right now, in this moment, and then I'm going to take that pain and anger and that fear and I'm going to turn it into something that no one's privilege, not even my own, can ever take away from me.


I have been sitting here trying to figure out why things are the way that they are. Why the state of this country is okay and more importantly why this is the majority. This wasn't rigged. It wasn't an accident. This was popular demand. Popular opinion. Why I am forced to accept this and why does it seem like from a social and global perspective this year was a disaster? Why do people hate each other? Why does everyone blame anyone that doesn't look like them? Why do so many groups exercise so much privilege and experience so less pain than everyone else? Why do certain types of people always lose? Why does electing Donald Trump make me feel like the smallest most unimportant human on the planet? Why am I suddenly scared to walk past white men in southern Virginia? Why am I making assumptions on whether I think they voted republican or not? Why do we think its ok to judge them and in turn do the same thing that we accuse them of doing to us? Why is that how we operate?


I guess I'm looking for a way to move on quietly and respectfully. A way to hold on the any glimpse of hope. I am looking for a way to forget the things he said and he did. Forget his lack of experience and lack of acceptance for anyone that doesn't experience the privilege he does. I am trying to find a reason to believe that this country wasn't just looking for any reason to elect another white man. That Hillary was never going to win, regardless of who she was running against. I want to believe that people were not attracted to Donald Trump for the wrong reasons. I am looking for a reason to believe that somehow the people that voted for him must believe in him for some other reason. I'm looking for a reason to keep loving people. To keep giving people the benefit of the doubt. I looking for a reason to release my rage in the healthiest way possible.

Love or Lust...

I pray a couple years past and I can say I loved her from the start. She looks like everything I've ever wanted. Like patience and happiness. Like commitment and faith. She looks like the rest of my life. I want to give her everything, and I pray I can look back at this in 5 or 10 years and say I did.

Please Send love

   My heart hurts. I feel physical pain. It could have been me. It could have been DC or LA or SF. This is my life, my community, my country. This the world we live in. This is Us. Our generation, our actions, our loss, our pain.

   I'm scared. I am so scared. I feel helpless and hopeless. We exist in this cycle of hurt and hate and all we can do is pray for the people that loss their lives.

   ...And then go back to our state of consciousness where we block it out and pretend like it's not going to happen again. Pretend like this isn't the world we live in. I am praying for Orlando, but more than anything I am praying for mankind. For love and acceptance and tolerance, consciousness and understanding. I am praying that we can do better.

I want to love myself a little better..

I believe that there’s magic in misery. That there is victory in discomfort. I want so bad to love myself a little better. I want to wake up tomorrow and actually believe in better. I want to believe that people want to do good. That they love the people around them. That they are innately sound in their intentions. I want to feel like the majority of mankind does their best not to hurt the people around them. I want to believe that the people I don’t know and will probably never meet will spend the rest of their lives surrounded by crazy amounts of love. That they won’t feel depression or hurt and that they never feel alone. I want people to be hopeful and truly believe that circumstances can and will always improve. Not just for the world but also for themselves.

I think Self-reflection is a learned trait. Something that not everyone takes time to do. Reflection and an increase in consciousness give us an opportunity to forgive and accept the circumstances around us. Reflecting on how you take control and change and improve in your life are actions that result in giving yourself power. Power over all the things in life that don’t go your way and the people that aren’t kind to you.

I encourage you to give yourself more credit. It’s hard to live in 2016. It’s hard to love yourself. It’s hard to turn the corner or change the channel without internalizing the comparisons the world forces you to pay attention to. We’ve turned society into a grading scale and every day you walk out of the door someone is going to grade you. The challenge is choosing whether or not to accept that grade and validate that judgement.

So I say Love yourself. Love everything about you that they say is wrong. Love the abnormalities. All the things that aren’t desirable. Love them until the popularity contest shifts. This world is revolving around popularity. Popularity which roots from confidence. Confidence which roots from relevance, and relevance which is simply a result from obnoxious media momentum.

We make up what is acceptable and worthy of love. We determine social supremacy. So the power is within us. We can choose to change what is popular simply by starting to love the things and people that society doesn’t celebrate. So be different. Be weird. Be too big, too small, black, white, poor, crazy. Be whatever you want.  Just don’t be sad and don’t try to fit in.

Measure twice, cut once...

I started preparing for my next promotion the day I got promoted. I never thought anything of it. It was a natural and logical progression.


When I was younger, I never understood why my dad did some of the things he did. Why he worked Saturdays when he didn't have to or why he never took sick days and was always like an hour early to everything. I never understood his random sayings. I always overlooked the value of his words and even his actions as I was growing up.


 I realized the day I got promoted that the way my father acted made sense. All the things he used to do and say had shaped me. All the things that annoyed me were exactly what I needed to hear.


   I was raised to always be 15 steps ahead of everyone and 100% certain I always got it right. Rely on confidence, accuracy and will. He raised me in a way where it was hard to be caught me slipping. Hard to fail. Always early and always overly prepared. Taught to avoid mistakes and unexpected circumstances.
 
    Never taught to better than everyone, but taught to take advantage of every aspect that I could feasibly control. To be better than uncertainty and better than accidents and anomalies. Raised to be better than any excuses. Raised me to eliminate the people that didn't come ready to play, or the people that didn't show up an hour early or were too lazy to check their work.


    My dad let me know that it was ok to fail sometimes, but it was NEVER acceptable to produce things that were not your absolute best. I used to show up to training at Stan ready to give everything. Not just because that's what it took to be a starter, but mainly because there was no point in doing it if I wasn't going to fully give myself to it. If I wasn't gunna show up and make people remember me, then there was no point in being there.


My life is good. I've made some good choices, worked hard and been successful, but at the end of the day I'll never take credit for more than I deserve. I won't take credit for having the privilege of being raised right. For growing up with two parents and love and safety. For being pushed by people that didn't have to push me. For people who encouraged me to be better than I ever thought I actually could be.


 I grew up and was raised the right way. I was given examples of how to hustle and be hungry. Examples like my father showed me and made sure I knew that I had to be better. I had to be earlier. Fitter. Stronger. Smarter. So I'm very thankful to the people that knew my potential before I did. No one has ever believed in me more than my father.