Measure twice, cut once...

I started preparing for my next promotion the day I got promoted. I never thought anything of it. It was a natural and logical progression.


When I was younger, I never understood why my dad did some of the things he did. Why he worked Saturdays when he didn't have to or why he never took sick days and was always like an hour early to everything. I never understood his random sayings. I always overlooked the value of his words and even his actions as I was growing up.


 I realized the day I got promoted that the way my father acted made sense. All the things he used to do and say had shaped me. All the things that annoyed me were exactly what I needed to hear.


   I was raised to always be 15 steps ahead of everyone and 100% certain I always got it right. Rely on confidence, accuracy and will. He raised me in a way where it was hard to be caught me slipping. Hard to fail. Always early and always overly prepared. Taught to avoid mistakes and unexpected circumstances.
 
    Never taught to better than everyone, but taught to take advantage of every aspect that I could feasibly control. To be better than uncertainty and better than accidents and anomalies. Raised to be better than any excuses. Raised me to eliminate the people that didn't come ready to play, or the people that didn't show up an hour early or were too lazy to check their work.


    My dad let me know that it was ok to fail sometimes, but it was NEVER acceptable to produce things that were not your absolute best. I used to show up to training at Stan ready to give everything. Not just because that's what it took to be a starter, but mainly because there was no point in doing it if I wasn't going to fully give myself to it. If I wasn't gunna show up and make people remember me, then there was no point in being there.


My life is good. I've made some good choices, worked hard and been successful, but at the end of the day I'll never take credit for more than I deserve. I won't take credit for having the privilege of being raised right. For growing up with two parents and love and safety. For being pushed by people that didn't have to push me. For people who encouraged me to be better than I ever thought I actually could be.


 I grew up and was raised the right way. I was given examples of how to hustle and be hungry. Examples like my father showed me and made sure I knew that I had to be better. I had to be earlier. Fitter. Stronger. Smarter. So I'm very thankful to the people that knew my potential before I did. No one has ever believed in me more than my father.

Ki'tay D. Davidson

Emotion can be the most exhausting feeling your body can take on. The act of dealing with emotion, causes more exertion on my body than any physical pain I have ever felt. There is no expiration on grief and we are forced to deal with loss and disappointment until our heart can become freed from it, which in some cases may never happen.


Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we loss an incredible man, Ki'tay Davidson. I didn't know Ki'tay personally, but I am touched by the power and love he left this earth with. From Ki'tay and the people who loved him, I have learned how important it is to be conscious. I learned to understand the interconnectivity of  everyone on this earth and the power of our interdependence. I've come to realize that the dreams and demands of the groups we identify with are all somehow connected to each other. We are all asking for the same things. The same freedoms(Black, Foreign, LGBT, Women, Disabled). My ability to do better for this world is based on my consciousness and love. For that I can still connect to Ki'tay Davidson, even he is no longer with us.


I've come to know the beauty in diversity and disability, and for that I am thankful.


#Justice2050

I wore a bow tie today..

   I wore a bow tie to work today. A couple guys kinda gave me a hard time about it. I guess they kinda made fun of me. Both times I didn't really know how to respond so I just awkwardly walked away. I guess I was embarrassed. I wasn't ready. I wasn't confident.


   It's funny how a question as simple as "What's with the bow tie?" or the random eye brow raise as u walk into the office can make u question everything. Question who you are? What you represent? What you are trying to do? Who you actually wish you were? The idea that any expression of gender neutrality or any non normative fashion must be the effect of some extraneous life event or call for help is flawed and to be honest extremely saddening. Our society is stuck with the idea that dressing differently than you dressed yesterday or different than the people that look like you is somehow an outward call for help or attention. We're still stuck in a place where we fear diversity and change. We don't understand that there is no expiration on growth or change or self evolution. There is no expiration to figuring out your shit or becoming a different person with a new identity. You can accept change at any capacity and any age you choose.


   My hope for the world is that we learn to understand and accept that not all change is a disaster or a crisis. Sometimes change is a revelation. An act of courage. Sometimes someone's change is a reflection of them having the confidence to be the person they have been trying and wishing to be their entire life. When u are unintentional with your tone and your questions and your jokes you are indirectly disapproving of that change and more importantly you are diminishing that courage. Your words matter. Your tone matters. Your jokes have impact.


   I walk tall everywhere I go, with my chest out and my chin up. I'm surrounded by beautiful, important, amazing people who encourage me to be whoever the fuck I want, but the world is not entirely made up of people like that and unfortunately that is not everyone's experience. Confidence, security and freedom are not a guaranteed privilege in this country. So I challenge you to save your thoughts for a more crucial time of reflection. To filter your words, and be conscious of the fact that people change. Things change. The world evolves.


   Something's in life don't expire. I have a good idea of who I am, but my vision and understanding of myself could change tomorrow if I wanted it to. That is my right, and I encourage people to exercise theirs. 3 days ago we celebrated Transgender Day of Remembrance. I find it ironic that some people have no idea the meaning and importance behind that day, but they will remember and comment on the fact that I wore a fucking bow tie to work today. We have got to do better. We've got to start accepting people for who they are. We are running out of time...

Reject

Rejection is my biggest motivation right now. Women and Upsets. Life and Drive.

Romance

I catch myself looking for relationships a lot. Searching for Romance. Of course looking in the wrong places for all the wrong things. It's clear to me though, that life can be romantic without having any romance. The beautiful things and people in my life have been here all along and will probably never go anywhere.

Love and intimacy is still important, but if you asked me to tell you about the romance in my life I would gladly tell you all about it. Suppose you asked me to tell you something beautiful.

I would happily describe the following...

Janiya Riley
Heather Overholt
Jade Adamson
Elle Porter
Courtney McClain
Jessica Sitarz
Gary, Denise and Katie <3
Stanislaus W Soccer
Our reunion in Cayucos
Washington, DC
The entire Brawley family
Brittney Joy
Allie Cannington
JoAnna Lohman
Julia Fanning
Derrick Helms

Life is good, all things and people considered

(No order or explanation. Living Document)

My Truest Self..

"The only real way to live in an unfree world, is to live so free, so unapologetically yourself, that even your simple existence is an act of rebellion." -Albert Camus

These words are a testament of my life today.

On Monday October 12th, we celebrated International Coming Out Day.

There is so much power in the word "WE". The world, my community, my family, and most importantly I, at 26 years old, was fortunate enough to participate. Today I am free. Completely free. Existing in a world that's calls for conformity and fears change and individuality. I understand that this is a privilege. That this is growth in the most beautiful way possible. I know that today I exist as my truest self. It's a very proud and happy time in my life to date. I am grateful.

I'm grateful for my sister Ashia for teaching me to "trust the process". I am grateful for valiant and brave heroes like Bryant Basketball Coach Chris Burns. For network television producers that take necessary risks and choose to normalize homosexuality, disability and non-comformative lifestyles in the light of normative media. I'm grateful for Stanislaus Soccer for giving me positions of leadership and influence at such impressionable times in my life. For teaching me that my existence mattered, that what I had to say was important and that I was selling myself short by not being who I was supposed to be. Most importantly I'm grateful for my family, chosen and blood (Ohana), for always loving me. This is my life now...The real one. The right way.

Repeating Myself, I Know..

    It's funny that one person can be a huge radical for women's rights, but has been an ableist all their life. Or another person who marches and riots for the demilitarization of the police and fights for black rights but in another context is a homophobe. There are even people in the LGBT community who fight tirelessly for gay rights and marriage equality, but if you ask them about the struggles of the transgender community they wouldn't know what to say.

      It's interesting how we distribute hate in this country. One person can be a radical for women's rights, but make no effort to support or show interest in disability solidarity or Black rights. We have people marching and rioting for the demilitarization of the police, fighting tirelessly for black solidarity, but have no interest in supporting equality in the LGBT community. Some members and allies of the L-G-B-T community itself are selective in reference to what parts of the community they want to support. Allies and members of the community spend their lives fighting surface level battles for gay rights and marriage equality, but if you asked them about the struggles or issues in the Transgender community, the suicide rate, lack of medical coverage or the struggles of any other community, they wouldn't have a clue. They focus on the parts of LGBT that they identify with and understand. People in this country support the entities that are directly in front of them. We don't necessary support what is right, but what we are exposed to and what works in our favor. That is just the society we live in.

     One of the most important concepts brought to my attention is the idea of the interconnectivity among people. The theory that our dreams and our fears are connected and affected by each other is a idea that may lead to an increase in consciousness and a catalyst to change in our society.

Expand Your Rage

     Someone recently posted a picture that stated "To be negro in this country and to be conscious is to be in rage almost all the time". The post sparked my interest because it became immediately apparent to me that this exact vernacular and isolated victimization is representative of my frustration with all discrimination and hate in this country. We are not only experiencing injustice on Blacks. Realize that if we simply replaced the word "negro" with "minority" everyone in this country may all start to realize their privilege. We might start to respect, and maybe even internalize the rage of other people around us. LGBT, disabled, uneducated, poor, foreign etc. So this post specifically goes out to the parents that don't support gay rights until their kid comes out gay, or the able bodied person who doesn't respect people with disabilities until they experience that struggle first hand. The people that don't support the injustice until it enters their realm or until they are forced to be able relate to it. I ask you the following questions; Who's pain are you offering support for in return for supporting yours? When you ask for someone to support your pain, do you ever consider the idea that you may not be supporting theirs?

     I'm fully aware that the minds and the hearts of African American are flooded with thoughts of rage regarding Police Brutality and racism today and just about everyday for the last year. I'm also fully aware of how horrible it is and please trust that I've cried several tears this last year. I've laid in my bed crazed and confused several times because of it. Of course it hits me harder than anything else because its my strongest identity. Its relative to who I am, could happen to me at any time and it's a strong semblance of my life and where I stand on the scale of importance in this country. On the other hand, I also realize that the world is bigger than me and my disadvantages. I realize that the world is revolving. The love and fairness and kindness u put out is a portion of what u get back. So, yes I am hurting, and although police brutality on the black community is far more present in my mind than anything else, I also recognize that other people are hurting too. There are other minority groups out there that no one cares about and no one fighting for. No one is marching or rioting on their behalf, or celebrating their victories. The reality is that in the same way that we turn our heads away from them and ignore their pain people are turning their heads away from us and ignoring ours. The fight for justice and fairness has become hypocritical, ineffective, unconscious, careless and ignorant.

      So, today yes my heart is sad for people like Sandra Bland and every other African American that has suffered from police brutality as well as everyone suffering in South Carolina. My heart hurts deeply for them, but I have grown to be conscious in the truest sense of the word. I have grown to understand the importance of the interconnectivity of pain and discrimination among different groups of people. So my pain doesn't stop with Black people. I also hurt for the people that no one seems to care about. For all the transgender people who cant get a job or proper medical care. I pain for any foreigner who has worked just as hard as I have, yet it still treated like an outsider, an annoyance and a degradation to the country. More than anything, my heart is in pain surrounding the fact that there is no cohesion between the Disabled, Black and the LGBT community, yet all of them claim to be fighting for the same thing. If these groups are not marching and fighting together in what we call "solidarity" then they are basically marching against the exact entity in which we claim to be fighting for. How can someone in the black community be up in arms about police brutality, but careless about the transgender aids epidemic, or the lack of ADA compliant buildings in this country. Every community is essentially asking for the same support and consciousness that they have been careless to give to others. Again this fight has become hypocritical and ineffective.

      I don't suggest that you stop fighting for the things you believe in. I'm also not suggesting that you be equally as passionate about the things that affect you directly as you are about all the other injustice in the world. But I do however suggest that while you are asking for people to be conscious of the injustice that is so close to your heart, that you consider supporting the justice of people around you that don't necessarily look like you. I suggest you giving out the same support in which you are asking for. That you open your eyes and your heart to someone outside of yourself and your identity. I challenge you to take on someone else's rage, harness their pain, support their injustice. And maybe, just maybe, they will do the same for your in return. I think we may start to realize that the things we are all fighting for, the groups we represent and pain we all feel is truly not all that different. After all, pain is pain and hate it hate. There is no pain, hate, or discrimination that is greater or more important than the other.

USWNT and My Favorite Coach Gabe Bolton

     Finally makes sense! Reading this article explains why on one hand, the '99 World Cup is so nostalgic for me, and on the other hand when I watch this tournament I find myself just frustrated and terrified. I spend the majority of the games waiting for them to eventually get "unlucky" and lose to a team playing better soccer. I'm disappointed every time I see them play and although I want the USWNT to win, I mainly just want to get good use of the money I spent on a trip to Vancouver for the final in a couple weeks. I am not really emotional about it anymore because I don't feel like they are. In 1999 I wanted the them to win because I felt like they were giving the nation a reason to care about Women's Soccer and Women's sports in general. I felt like their hard work and inspiration gave us a chance and could maybe make me a better person and player. Things have changed and for a while I thought it was just me, but as Gabe described it right. It appears that the WHY has changed. Dreams of inspiring the nation, changing gender status and stereotypes are no longer important. The important thing now is to sell overpriced jerseys and gear, celebrate celebrity on social media, and do whatever it takes to stay in the spotlight as long as possible(even if it means talking about games 2 months from now in the midst of the largest soccer stage in the world!). It was unclear for me for  a little, but  Gabriel Bolton​'s article below helped it all to make sense.

      If  you are wondering why I invest so much time and support in Stanislaus and the Women's Soccer Program there... its because I played for the best coach and teammates possible. Gabriel Bolton is such a great coach and he knows how to inspire a team to play for the right reasons. We had a WHY at Stan, and that WHY made my 4 years of college far more effective than it ever would have been without it.

 http://www.gabebolton.com/#!Dear-Team-USA-What-is-your-WHY/c774/558ace8d0cf2bba695360534

 

Believe in Better ; )

We Let It Be..

     The idea that our dreams and our fears are interconnected is the difference between incessant pain and promise. Consciousness and lack there of is the single item driving our society in opposing directions. Its not a white vs black or liberal vs conservative issue. Its a lack of understanding and the idea that until the issue directly affects us we don't need to accept connection or responsibility. We just let it be..