I want to love myself a little better..

I believe that there’s magic in misery. That there is victory in discomfort. I want so bad to love myself a little better. I want to wake up tomorrow and actually believe in better. I want to believe that people want to do good. That they love the people around them. That they are innately sound in their intentions. I want to feel like the majority of mankind does their best not to hurt the people around them. I want to believe that the people I don’t know and will probably never meet will spend the rest of their lives surrounded by crazy amounts of love. That they won’t feel depression or hurt and that they never feel alone. I want people to be hopeful and truly believe that circumstances can and will always improve. Not just for the world but also for themselves.

I think Self-reflection is a learned trait. Something that not everyone takes time to do. Reflection and an increase in consciousness give us an opportunity to forgive and accept the circumstances around us. Reflecting on how you take control and change and improve in your life are actions that result in giving yourself power. Power over all the things in life that don’t go your way and the people that aren’t kind to you.

I encourage you to give yourself more credit. It’s hard to live in 2016. It’s hard to love yourself. It’s hard to turn the corner or change the channel without internalizing the comparisons the world forces you to pay attention to. We’ve turned society into a grading scale and every day you walk out of the door someone is going to grade you. The challenge is choosing whether or not to accept that grade and validate that judgement.

So I say Love yourself. Love everything about you that they say is wrong. Love the abnormalities. All the things that aren’t desirable. Love them until the popularity contest shifts. This world is revolving around popularity. Popularity which roots from confidence. Confidence which roots from relevance, and relevance which is simply a result from obnoxious media momentum.

We make up what is acceptable and worthy of love. We determine social supremacy. So the power is within us. We can choose to change what is popular simply by starting to love the things and people that society doesn’t celebrate. So be different. Be weird. Be too big, too small, black, white, poor, crazy. Be whatever you want.  Just don’t be sad and don’t try to fit in.

Measure twice, cut once...

I started preparing for my next promotion the day I got promoted. I never thought anything of it. It was a natural and logical progression.


When I was younger, I never understood why my dad did some of the things he did. Why he worked Saturdays when he didn't have to or why he never took sick days and was always like an hour early to everything. I never understood his random sayings. I always overlooked the value of his words and even his actions as I was growing up.


 I realized the day I got promoted that the way my father acted made sense. All the things he used to do and say had shaped me. All the things that annoyed me were exactly what I needed to hear.


   I was raised to always be 15 steps ahead of everyone and 100% certain I always got it right. Rely on confidence, accuracy and will. He raised me in a way where it was hard to be caught me slipping. Hard to fail. Always early and always overly prepared. Taught to avoid mistakes and unexpected circumstances.
 
    Never taught to better than everyone, but taught to take advantage of every aspect that I could feasibly control. To be better than uncertainty and better than accidents and anomalies. Raised to be better than any excuses. Raised me to eliminate the people that didn't come ready to play, or the people that didn't show up an hour early or were too lazy to check their work.


    My dad let me know that it was ok to fail sometimes, but it was NEVER acceptable to produce things that were not your absolute best. I used to show up to training at Stan ready to give everything. Not just because that's what it took to be a starter, but mainly because there was no point in doing it if I wasn't going to fully give myself to it. If I wasn't gunna show up and make people remember me, then there was no point in being there.


My life is good. I've made some good choices, worked hard and been successful, but at the end of the day I'll never take credit for more than I deserve. I won't take credit for having the privilege of being raised right. For growing up with two parents and love and safety. For being pushed by people that didn't have to push me. For people who encouraged me to be better than I ever thought I actually could be.


 I grew up and was raised the right way. I was given examples of how to hustle and be hungry. Examples like my father showed me and made sure I knew that I had to be better. I had to be earlier. Fitter. Stronger. Smarter. So I'm very thankful to the people that knew my potential before I did. No one has ever believed in me more than my father.

Ki'tay D. Davidson

Emotion can be the most exhausting feeling your body can take on. The act of dealing with emotion, causes more exertion on my body than any physical pain I have ever felt. There is no expiration on grief and we are forced to deal with loss and disappointment until our heart can become freed from it, which in some cases may never happen.


Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we loss an incredible man, Ki'tay Davidson. I didn't know Ki'tay personally, but I am touched by the power and love he left this earth with. From Ki'tay and the people who loved him, I have learned how important it is to be conscious. I learned to understand the interconnectivity of  everyone on this earth and the power of our interdependence. I've come to realize that the dreams and demands of the groups we identify with are all somehow connected to each other. We are all asking for the same things. The same freedoms(Black, Foreign, LGBT, Women, Disabled). My ability to do better for this world is based on my consciousness and love. For that I can still connect to Ki'tay Davidson, even he is no longer with us.


I've come to know the beauty in diversity and disability, and for that I am thankful.


#Justice2050

I wore a bow tie today..

   I wore a bow tie to work today. A couple guys kinda gave me a hard time about it. I guess they kinda made fun of me. Both times I didn't really know how to respond so I just awkwardly walked away. I guess I was embarrassed. I wasn't ready. I wasn't confident.


   It's funny how a question as simple as "What's with the bow tie?" or the random eye brow raise as u walk into the office can make u question everything. Question who you are? What you represent? What you are trying to do? Who you actually wish you were? The idea that any expression of gender neutrality or any non normative fashion must be the effect of some extraneous life event or call for help is flawed and to be honest extremely saddening. Our society is stuck with the idea that dressing differently than you dressed yesterday or different than the people that look like you is somehow an outward call for help or attention. We're still stuck in a place where we fear diversity and change. We don't understand that there is no expiration on growth or change or self evolution. There is no expiration to figuring out your shit or becoming a different person with a new identity. You can accept change at any capacity and any age you choose.


   My hope for the world is that we learn to understand and accept that not all change is a disaster or a crisis. Sometimes change is a revelation. An act of courage. Sometimes someone's change is a reflection of them having the confidence to be the person they have been trying and wishing to be their entire life. When u are unintentional with your tone and your questions and your jokes you are indirectly disapproving of that change and more importantly you are diminishing that courage. Your words matter. Your tone matters. Your jokes have impact.


   I walk tall everywhere I go, with my chest out and my chin up. I'm surrounded by beautiful, important, amazing people who encourage me to be whoever the fuck I want, but the world is not entirely made up of people like that and unfortunately that is not everyone's experience. Confidence, security and freedom are not a guaranteed privilege in this country. So I challenge you to save your thoughts for a more crucial time of reflection. To filter your words, and be conscious of the fact that people change. Things change. The world evolves.


   Something's in life don't expire. I have a good idea of who I am, but my vision and understanding of myself could change tomorrow if I wanted it to. That is my right, and I encourage people to exercise theirs. 3 days ago we celebrated Transgender Day of Remembrance. I find it ironic that some people have no idea the meaning and importance behind that day, but they will remember and comment on the fact that I wore a fucking bow tie to work today. We have got to do better. We've got to start accepting people for who they are. We are running out of time...

Reject

Rejection is my biggest motivation right now. Women and Upsets. Life and Drive.

Romance

I catch myself looking for relationships a lot. Searching for Romance. Of course looking in the wrong places for all the wrong things. It's clear to me though, that life can be romantic without having any romance. The beautiful things and people in my life have been here all along and will probably never go anywhere.

Love and intimacy is still important, but if you asked me to tell you about the romance in my life I would gladly tell you all about it. Suppose you asked me to tell you something beautiful.

I would happily describe the following...

Janiya Riley
Heather Overholt
Jade Adamson
Elle Porter
Courtney McClain
Jessica Sitarz
Gary, Denise and Katie <3
Stanislaus W Soccer
Our reunion in Cayucos
Washington, DC
The entire Brawley family
Brittney Joy
Allie Cannington
JoAnna Lohman
Julia Fanning
Derrick Helms

Life is good, all things and people considered

(No order or explanation. Living Document)

My Truest Self..

"The only real way to live in an unfree world, is to live so free, so unapologetically yourself, that even your simple existence is an act of rebellion." -Albert Camus

These words are a testament of my life today.

On Monday October 12th, we celebrated International Coming Out Day.

There is so much power in the word "WE". The world, my community, my family, and most importantly I, at 26 years old, was fortunate enough to participate. Today I am free. Completely free. Existing in a world that's calls for conformity and fears change and individuality. I understand that this is a privilege. That this is growth in the most beautiful way possible. I know that today I exist as my truest self. It's a very proud and happy time in my life to date. I am grateful.

I'm grateful for my sister Ashia for teaching me to "trust the process". I am grateful for valiant and brave heroes like Bryant Basketball Coach Chris Burns. For network television producers that take necessary risks and choose to normalize homosexuality, disability and non-comformative lifestyles in the light of normative media. I'm grateful for Stanislaus Soccer for giving me positions of leadership and influence at such impressionable times in my life. For teaching me that my existence mattered, that what I had to say was important and that I was selling myself short by not being who I was supposed to be. Most importantly I'm grateful for my family, chosen and blood (Ohana), for always loving me. This is my life now...The real one. The right way.