What the Black Lives Matter Movement Means To Me

     It is so important to me that non POC understand that BLM is not a threat to all lives. I cannot express or explain this enough. BLM and the presence of systemic racism does not mean that if you aren’t black you haven’t had a hard life or you don’t have struggles. 

     It does not mean that ONLY black lives matter. 

     It does not mean that the lives of cops do not matter.

     It simply means that the lives of black people are devalued by so many people in this country and in the world which leads to tragedies and injustice like the murder of George Floyd and an overwhelming long list of others. 

     The BLM movement represents that as a white person the color of your skin has not played a part in your personal struggles nor has it made your life harder in the way that it does for POC.

     My hope is is that my friends and allies use this time to listen quietly and learn from the experiences of POC. That they recognize their privilege as well as realizing that having that privilege does not make you a bad person. It does not mean that you are assumed a racist or that years and years of racism is your fault. I hope that my friends learn about more than just the death of George Floyd. I hope that they look backwards to see all the other countless POC that were taken from their families unjustly and see that all of those lives, as a whole, are how we have gotten here.  It is so important that people know that this is not solely about one man and police brutality. This pain is so much deeper and seeps so much further into every aspect of our lives. 

     For me, this is about what little black girls feel when they play on all white soccer teams their whole life, while teammates parents ask them why they didn’t play basketball. 

     It’s about little black girls who avoided the pool at an early age because they soon realized that once their hair got wet they were different and now the subject of everyone’s jokes.

     It’s about being a young black kid with red eyes from allergies not wanting to go anywhere because people accuse them of smoking weed.

     It’s about proving yourself time and time again, but still being underestimated every math class in every university and at every job you have ever walked into.

     It’s about how fast my heart beats anytime I accidentally leave the house without my ID.

     Or what it’s like to move across the country for grad school and struggle to make friends because of the color of my skin. Whats it’s like to walk the campus of that school when “Nigger” is frequently plastered all over the free expression tunnel. 

     It’s about the anger my wife and I feel when people constantly ask me for help in retail stores because they assume that I must work there.

     I realize that these are scenarios that most of you haven’t even thought about, but the saddest part about that is even with all the discrimination I have felt in my life, it still does not add up to what black men like George Floyd go through everyday. Despite what fear and pain I have experienced, I still have more privilege than George Floyd and it is my duty just like yours to recognize that. 

     I want my allies to know that this is my everyday life, and although I don’t blame you for it, I charge you with the effort of trying to learn it and help fight against it. 

     I want to make it known that nothing about this murder is new. The anger and sadness you are just now feeling about George Floyd, I have felt over and over for countless others. I don’t have to research their names and their stories because I have the life of Tamir Rice, Stephon Clark, Trayvon Martin and Oscar Grant engraved in my mind. I will forever have visions and nightmares of the beautiful life that was taken from them, the image of what they could have become, and the idea that that could have been me jogging, my cousin walking or my dad on the BART.

     We are all guilty of ignorance about something, and if you have been ignorant on this topic, it does not mean that I don’t appreciate you. It doesn’t mean that you checking in on me doesn’t give me peace and make me hopeful, but please know that checking on your black friends and posting black squares needs to be followed up with diligent education on the problem. We need continued listening and learning. We need relentlessness in defending POC and their right to equality. We need you to step up to those who ignore their privilege and exacerbate the problem. We need persistence to fight the problem until the problem no longer exists. 

     There are so many people in my life who are not POC who have changed my life for the better. People who have believed in me and gave me opportunities when no one did. I think that is is so important to recognize the people that have raised me up and supported me in addition to the people who have discriminated against me.

     My Former college coach was the first person to ever defend me and invest in my value. The women I have played soccer with my entire life have been predominantly white and I would not be who I am without them. My first boss when I became a data scientist was also white and repeatedly told me I was good enough while always showing me patience and grace. And although My wife has never been mistreated based on her skin color, she defends me constantly and reminds me and others how important it is to fight for equality. 

     I want my non POC friends and family to know how much I love them. How much they have changed my life and I appreciate them, but also want them to know how much more I need from them in this space. 

To my POC: 

     I recognize that as a people we have been so patient and accommodating. I know that some people don’t have any patience left to give, but I also know that this fight cannot be fought without the support of all mankind. I ask that we give our allies time to listen and learn. That we are receptive to people that are just now realizing their privilege and their ignorance, and that we focus on their intent. I don’t believe that it is ever too late for someone to try to become better a human or a better ally. I don’t suggest we run anyone away who truly wants to make changes and be a better person. Let’s be receptive to someone’s interests to learn and grow. We cannot define them simply based the way we see them protesting or the pace at which they are learning. Let’s open our hearts to them and not denounce them. I understand there is a stark difference between people posting support because it’s popular on instagram and people who genuinely care, but I believe that everyone’s true colors are shown eventually. Let’s breed love with love and accept anyone who truly wants to fight this fight with us. 

     And to anyone who is fighting for this movement. If you really believe that Black Lives Matter is a necessary fight to prove that All Lives Matter, then it is your duty to show up for all of the other marginalized people in this world. I do not condone asking for people to support us and give us equality, if we do intend to do the same for the rest of the marginalized people that don’t look like us or don’t share our experiences. It is just as important that you show up for the the trans people that are killed in the streets that no one ever talks about. I ask that you stand up for the undocumented, the DACA “dreamers” and the people with English as their second language. I ask that you show up for the disabled and the mentally ill. If you believe in BLM then you must believe in representation and equality for anyone who is oppressed or ignored in this country. Remember that when you are chanting “Equality for all”, that “all” means everyone, whether they look like you or not.

     I love you all. Let’s continue to love, be understanding and be hopeful.

Best thing

It's my first night in the house by myself. The first time sleeping alone in a long time. I've never been that girl that needed to be held to feel ok. I've never really felt the plague of loneliness. I've never needed someone to make me complete. 

But this is different. This is not loneliness. This is actually power and vigor. Happiness and fear all at the same time. I'm connected to you in a way that I can't really put into words. Your being alone makes everything ok. The thought of you makes me feel endless. Like I'm enough and full. You make me feel like my goals aren't big enough. Like the vision of my life falls short of what is actually going to happen. You make me feel powerful and limitless. Like the rest of my life is somehow greater than what I expected it to be. 

I don't know that I deserve you and I know I can't predict the future but what I do know, is that now that I've had you, life without you, seems nearly impossible. You are the very best thing and I love you.

Progress Interrupted

December 15th, 2016
It is unrealistic to think that I can feel like this for 4 years. That I can walk around with this much pain and anger and fear for the next 4 years of my life. This is my life and my time and my freedom. I am owed those years and no one can take them from me. I don't ever want feel the way I felt on Election night. I don't want to feel like my life is suddenly on the line because I lost an election.
So, I'm going to write down exactly how I feel right now, in this moment, and then I'm going to take that pain and anger and that fear and I'm going to turn it into something that no one's privilege, not even my own, can ever take away from me.


I have been sitting here trying to figure out why things are the way that they are. Why the state of this country is okay and more importantly why this is the majority. This wasn't rigged. It wasn't an accident. This was popular demand. Popular opinion. Why I am forced to accept this and why does it seem like from a social and global perspective this year was a disaster? Why do people hate each other? Why does everyone blame anyone that doesn't look like them? Why do so many groups exercise so much privilege and experience so less pain than everyone else? Why do certain types of people always lose? Why does electing Donald Trump make me feel like the smallest most unimportant human on the planet? Why am I suddenly scared to walk past white men in southern Virginia? Why am I making assumptions on whether I think they voted republican or not? Why do we think its ok to judge them and in turn do the same thing that we accuse them of doing to us? Why is that how we operate?


I guess I'm looking for a way to move on quietly and respectfully. A way to hold on the any glimpse of hope. I am looking for a way to forget the things he said and he did. Forget his lack of experience and lack of acceptance for anyone that doesn't experience the privilege he does. I am trying to find a reason to believe that this country wasn't just looking for any reason to elect another white man. That Hillary was never going to win, regardless of who she was running against. I want to believe that people were not attracted to Donald Trump for the wrong reasons. I am looking for a reason to believe that somehow the people that voted for him must believe in him for some other reason. I'm looking for a reason to keep loving people. To keep giving people the benefit of the doubt. I looking for a reason to release my rage in the healthiest way possible.

Love or Lust...

I pray a couple years past and I can say I loved her from the start. She looks like everything I've ever wanted. Like patience and happiness. Like commitment and faith. She looks like the rest of my life. I want to give her everything, and I pray I can look back at this in 5 or 10 years and say I did.

Please Send love

   My heart hurts. I feel physical pain. It could have been me. It could have been DC or LA or SF. This is my life, my community, my country. This the world we live in. This is Us. Our generation, our actions, our loss, our pain.

   I'm scared. I am so scared. I feel helpless and hopeless. We exist in this cycle of hurt and hate and all we can do is pray for the people that loss their lives.

   ...And then go back to our state of consciousness where we block it out and pretend like it's not going to happen again. Pretend like this isn't the world we live in. I am praying for Orlando, but more than anything I am praying for mankind. For love and acceptance and tolerance, consciousness and understanding. I am praying that we can do better.

I want to love myself a little better..

I believe that there’s magic in misery. That there is victory in discomfort. I want so bad to love myself a little better. I want to wake up tomorrow and actually believe in better. I want to believe that people want to do good. That they love the people around them. That they are innately sound in their intentions. I want to feel like the majority of mankind does their best not to hurt the people around them. I want to believe that the people I don’t know and will probably never meet will spend the rest of their lives surrounded by crazy amounts of love. That they won’t feel depression or hurt and that they never feel alone. I want people to be hopeful and truly believe that circumstances can and will always improve. Not just for the world but also for themselves.

I think Self-reflection is a learned trait. Something that not everyone takes time to do. Reflection and an increase in consciousness give us an opportunity to forgive and accept the circumstances around us. Reflecting on how you take control and change and improve in your life are actions that result in giving yourself power. Power over all the things in life that don’t go your way and the people that aren’t kind to you.

I encourage you to give yourself more credit. It’s hard to live in 2016. It’s hard to love yourself. It’s hard to turn the corner or change the channel without internalizing the comparisons the world forces you to pay attention to. We’ve turned society into a grading scale and every day you walk out of the door someone is going to grade you. The challenge is choosing whether or not to accept that grade and validate that judgement.

So I say Love yourself. Love everything about you that they say is wrong. Love the abnormalities. All the things that aren’t desirable. Love them until the popularity contest shifts. This world is revolving around popularity. Popularity which roots from confidence. Confidence which roots from relevance, and relevance which is simply a result from obnoxious media momentum.

We make up what is acceptable and worthy of love. We determine social supremacy. So the power is within us. We can choose to change what is popular simply by starting to love the things and people that society doesn’t celebrate. So be different. Be weird. Be too big, too small, black, white, poor, crazy. Be whatever you want.  Just don’t be sad and don’t try to fit in.

Measure twice, cut once...

I started preparing for my next promotion the day I got promoted. I never thought anything of it. It was a natural and logical progression.


When I was younger, I never understood why my dad did some of the things he did. Why he worked Saturdays when he didn't have to or why he never took sick days and was always like an hour early to everything. I never understood his random sayings. I always overlooked the value of his words and even his actions as I was growing up.


 I realized the day I got promoted that the way my father acted made sense. All the things he used to do and say had shaped me. All the things that annoyed me were exactly what I needed to hear.


   I was raised to always be 15 steps ahead of everyone and 100% certain I always got it right. Rely on confidence, accuracy and will. He raised me in a way where it was hard to be caught me slipping. Hard to fail. Always early and always overly prepared. Taught to avoid mistakes and unexpected circumstances.
 
    Never taught to better than everyone, but taught to take advantage of every aspect that I could feasibly control. To be better than uncertainty and better than accidents and anomalies. Raised to be better than any excuses. Raised me to eliminate the people that didn't come ready to play, or the people that didn't show up an hour early or were too lazy to check their work.


    My dad let me know that it was ok to fail sometimes, but it was NEVER acceptable to produce things that were not your absolute best. I used to show up to training at Stan ready to give everything. Not just because that's what it took to be a starter, but mainly because there was no point in doing it if I wasn't going to fully give myself to it. If I wasn't gunna show up and make people remember me, then there was no point in being there.


My life is good. I've made some good choices, worked hard and been successful, but at the end of the day I'll never take credit for more than I deserve. I won't take credit for having the privilege of being raised right. For growing up with two parents and love and safety. For being pushed by people that didn't have to push me. For people who encouraged me to be better than I ever thought I actually could be.


 I grew up and was raised the right way. I was given examples of how to hustle and be hungry. Examples like my father showed me and made sure I knew that I had to be better. I had to be earlier. Fitter. Stronger. Smarter. So I'm very thankful to the people that knew my potential before I did. No one has ever believed in me more than my father.

Ki'tay D. Davidson

Emotion can be the most exhausting feeling your body can take on. The act of dealing with emotion, causes more exertion on my body than any physical pain I have ever felt. There is no expiration on grief and we are forced to deal with loss and disappointment until our heart can become freed from it, which in some cases may never happen.


Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we loss an incredible man, Ki'tay Davidson. I didn't know Ki'tay personally, but I am touched by the power and love he left this earth with. From Ki'tay and the people who loved him, I have learned how important it is to be conscious. I learned to understand the interconnectivity of  everyone on this earth and the power of our interdependence. I've come to realize that the dreams and demands of the groups we identify with are all somehow connected to each other. We are all asking for the same things. The same freedoms(Black, Foreign, LGBT, Women, Disabled). My ability to do better for this world is based on my consciousness and love. For that I can still connect to Ki'tay Davidson, even he is no longer with us.


I've come to know the beauty in diversity and disability, and for that I am thankful.


#Justice2050

I wore a bow tie today..

   I wore a bow tie to work today. A couple guys kinda gave me a hard time about it. I guess they kinda made fun of me. Both times I didn't really know how to respond so I just awkwardly walked away. I guess I was embarrassed. I wasn't ready. I wasn't confident.


   It's funny how a question as simple as "What's with the bow tie?" or the random eye brow raise as u walk into the office can make u question everything. Question who you are? What you represent? What you are trying to do? Who you actually wish you were? The idea that any expression of gender neutrality or any non normative fashion must be the effect of some extraneous life event or call for help is flawed and to be honest extremely saddening. Our society is stuck with the idea that dressing differently than you dressed yesterday or different than the people that look like you is somehow an outward call for help or attention. We're still stuck in a place where we fear diversity and change. We don't understand that there is no expiration on growth or change or self evolution. There is no expiration to figuring out your shit or becoming a different person with a new identity. You can accept change at any capacity and any age you choose.


   My hope for the world is that we learn to understand and accept that not all change is a disaster or a crisis. Sometimes change is a revelation. An act of courage. Sometimes someone's change is a reflection of them having the confidence to be the person they have been trying and wishing to be their entire life. When u are unintentional with your tone and your questions and your jokes you are indirectly disapproving of that change and more importantly you are diminishing that courage. Your words matter. Your tone matters. Your jokes have impact.


   I walk tall everywhere I go, with my chest out and my chin up. I'm surrounded by beautiful, important, amazing people who encourage me to be whoever the fuck I want, but the world is not entirely made up of people like that and unfortunately that is not everyone's experience. Confidence, security and freedom are not a guaranteed privilege in this country. So I challenge you to save your thoughts for a more crucial time of reflection. To filter your words, and be conscious of the fact that people change. Things change. The world evolves.


   Something's in life don't expire. I have a good idea of who I am, but my vision and understanding of myself could change tomorrow if I wanted it to. That is my right, and I encourage people to exercise theirs. 3 days ago we celebrated Transgender Day of Remembrance. I find it ironic that some people have no idea the meaning and importance behind that day, but they will remember and comment on the fact that I wore a fucking bow tie to work today. We have got to do better. We've got to start accepting people for who they are. We are running out of time...

Reject

Rejection is my biggest motivation right now. Women and Upsets. Life and Drive.

Romance

I catch myself looking for relationships a lot. Searching for Romance. Of course looking in the wrong places for all the wrong things. It's clear to me though, that life can be romantic without having any romance. The beautiful things and people in my life have been here all along and will probably never go anywhere.

Love and intimacy is still important, but if you asked me to tell you about the romance in my life I would gladly tell you all about it. Suppose you asked me to tell you something beautiful.

I would happily describe the following...

Janiya Riley
Heather Overholt
Jade Adamson
Elle Porter
Courtney McClain
Jessica Sitarz
Gary, Denise and Katie <3
Stanislaus W Soccer
Our reunion in Cayucos
Washington, DC
The entire Brawley family
Brittney Joy
Allie Cannington
JoAnna Lohman
Julia Fanning
Derrick Helms

Life is good, all things and people considered

(No order or explanation. Living Document)

My Truest Self..

"The only real way to live in an unfree world, is to live so free, so unapologetically yourself, that even your simple existence is an act of rebellion." -Albert Camus

These words are a testament of my life today.

On Monday October 12th, we celebrated International Coming Out Day.

There is so much power in the word "WE". The world, my community, my family, and most importantly I, at 26 years old, was fortunate enough to participate. Today I am free. Completely free. Existing in a world that's calls for conformity and fears change and individuality. I understand that this is a privilege. That this is growth in the most beautiful way possible. I know that today I exist as my truest self. It's a very proud and happy time in my life to date. I am grateful.

I'm grateful for my sister Ashia for teaching me to "trust the process". I am grateful for valiant and brave heroes like Bryant Basketball Coach Chris Burns. For network television producers that take necessary risks and choose to normalize homosexuality, disability and non-comformative lifestyles in the light of normative media. I'm grateful for Stanislaus Soccer for giving me positions of leadership and influence at such impressionable times in my life. For teaching me that my existence mattered, that what I had to say was important and that I was selling myself short by not being who I was supposed to be. Most importantly I'm grateful for my family, chosen and blood (Ohana), for always loving me. This is my life now...The real one. The right way.

Repeating Myself, I Know..

    It's funny that one person can be a huge radical for women's rights, but has been an ableist all their life. Or another person who marches and riots for the demilitarization of the police and fights for black rights but in another context is a homophobe. There are even people in the LGBT community who fight tirelessly for gay rights and marriage equality, but if you ask them about the struggles of the transgender community they wouldn't know what to say.

      It's interesting how we distribute hate in this country. One person can be a radical for women's rights, but make no effort to support or show interest in disability solidarity or Black rights. We have people marching and rioting for the demilitarization of the police, fighting tirelessly for black solidarity, but have no interest in supporting equality in the LGBT community. Some members and allies of the L-G-B-T community itself are selective in reference to what parts of the community they want to support. Allies and members of the community spend their lives fighting surface level battles for gay rights and marriage equality, but if you asked them about the struggles or issues in the Transgender community, the suicide rate, lack of medical coverage or the struggles of any other community, they wouldn't have a clue. They focus on the parts of LGBT that they identify with and understand. People in this country support the entities that are directly in front of them. We don't necessary support what is right, but what we are exposed to and what works in our favor. That is just the society we live in.

     One of the most important concepts brought to my attention is the idea of the interconnectivity among people. The theory that our dreams and our fears are connected and affected by each other is a idea that may lead to an increase in consciousness and a catalyst to change in our society.

Expand Your Rage

     Someone recently posted a picture that stated "To be negro in this country and to be conscious is to be in rage almost all the time". The post sparked my interest because it became immediately apparent to me that this exact vernacular and isolated victimization is representative of my frustration with all discrimination and hate in this country. We are not only experiencing injustice on Blacks. Realize that if we simply replaced the word "negro" with "minority" everyone in this country may all start to realize their privilege. We might start to respect, and maybe even internalize the rage of other people around us. LGBT, disabled, uneducated, poor, foreign etc. So this post specifically goes out to the parents that don't support gay rights until their kid comes out gay, or the able bodied person who doesn't respect people with disabilities until they experience that struggle first hand. The people that don't support the injustice until it enters their realm or until they are forced to be able relate to it. I ask you the following questions; Who's pain are you offering support for in return for supporting yours? When you ask for someone to support your pain, do you ever consider the idea that you may not be supporting theirs?

     I'm fully aware that the minds and the hearts of African American are flooded with thoughts of rage regarding Police Brutality and racism today and just about everyday for the last year. I'm also fully aware of how horrible it is and please trust that I've cried several tears this last year. I've laid in my bed crazed and confused several times because of it. Of course it hits me harder than anything else because its my strongest identity. Its relative to who I am, could happen to me at any time and it's a strong semblance of my life and where I stand on the scale of importance in this country. On the other hand, I also realize that the world is bigger than me and my disadvantages. I realize that the world is revolving. The love and fairness and kindness u put out is a portion of what u get back. So, yes I am hurting, and although police brutality on the black community is far more present in my mind than anything else, I also recognize that other people are hurting too. There are other minority groups out there that no one cares about and no one fighting for. No one is marching or rioting on their behalf, or celebrating their victories. The reality is that in the same way that we turn our heads away from them and ignore their pain people are turning their heads away from us and ignoring ours. The fight for justice and fairness has become hypocritical, ineffective, unconscious, careless and ignorant.

      So, today yes my heart is sad for people like Sandra Bland and every other African American that has suffered from police brutality as well as everyone suffering in South Carolina. My heart hurts deeply for them, but I have grown to be conscious in the truest sense of the word. I have grown to understand the importance of the interconnectivity of pain and discrimination among different groups of people. So my pain doesn't stop with Black people. I also hurt for the people that no one seems to care about. For all the transgender people who cant get a job or proper medical care. I pain for any foreigner who has worked just as hard as I have, yet it still treated like an outsider, an annoyance and a degradation to the country. More than anything, my heart is in pain surrounding the fact that there is no cohesion between the Disabled, Black and the LGBT community, yet all of them claim to be fighting for the same thing. If these groups are not marching and fighting together in what we call "solidarity" then they are basically marching against the exact entity in which we claim to be fighting for. How can someone in the black community be up in arms about police brutality, but careless about the transgender aids epidemic, or the lack of ADA compliant buildings in this country. Every community is essentially asking for the same support and consciousness that they have been careless to give to others. Again this fight has become hypocritical and ineffective.

      I don't suggest that you stop fighting for the things you believe in. I'm also not suggesting that you be equally as passionate about the things that affect you directly as you are about all the other injustice in the world. But I do however suggest that while you are asking for people to be conscious of the injustice that is so close to your heart, that you consider supporting the justice of people around you that don't necessarily look like you. I suggest you giving out the same support in which you are asking for. That you open your eyes and your heart to someone outside of yourself and your identity. I challenge you to take on someone else's rage, harness their pain, support their injustice. And maybe, just maybe, they will do the same for your in return. I think we may start to realize that the things we are all fighting for, the groups we represent and pain we all feel is truly not all that different. After all, pain is pain and hate it hate. There is no pain, hate, or discrimination that is greater or more important than the other.

USWNT and My Favorite Coach Gabe Bolton

     Finally makes sense! Reading this article explains why on one hand, the '99 World Cup is so nostalgic for me, and on the other hand when I watch this tournament I find myself just frustrated and terrified. I spend the majority of the games waiting for them to eventually get "unlucky" and lose to a team playing better soccer. I'm disappointed every time I see them play and although I want the USWNT to win, I mainly just want to get good use of the money I spent on a trip to Vancouver for the final in a couple weeks. I am not really emotional about it anymore because I don't feel like they are. In 1999 I wanted the them to win because I felt like they were giving the nation a reason to care about Women's Soccer and Women's sports in general. I felt like their hard work and inspiration gave us a chance and could maybe make me a better person and player. Things have changed and for a while I thought it was just me, but as Gabe described it right. It appears that the WHY has changed. Dreams of inspiring the nation, changing gender status and stereotypes are no longer important. The important thing now is to sell overpriced jerseys and gear, celebrate celebrity on social media, and do whatever it takes to stay in the spotlight as long as possible(even if it means talking about games 2 months from now in the midst of the largest soccer stage in the world!). It was unclear for me for  a little, but  Gabriel Bolton​'s article below helped it all to make sense.

      If  you are wondering why I invest so much time and support in Stanislaus and the Women's Soccer Program there... its because I played for the best coach and teammates possible. Gabriel Bolton is such a great coach and he knows how to inspire a team to play for the right reasons. We had a WHY at Stan, and that WHY made my 4 years of college far more effective than it ever would have been without it.

 http://www.gabebolton.com/#!Dear-Team-USA-What-is-your-WHY/c774/558ace8d0cf2bba695360534

 

Believe in Better ; )

We Let It Be..

     The idea that our dreams and our fears are interconnected is the difference between incessant pain and promise. Consciousness and lack there of is the single item driving our society in opposing directions. Its not a white vs black or liberal vs conservative issue. Its a lack of understanding and the idea that until the issue directly affects us we don't need to accept connection or responsibility. We just let it be..

Gator Love Letter

Living in the moment...

         I've spoke of this in a previous post, but one of the most famous teachings uses the example of an hors d'oeuvre tray. They say that if the tray is in front of you, eat happily what you want from it. If it has not yet come to you, do not crave it, and if it has passed you by, do not long for its return. 

        We all root from the same innate lack of satisfaction and desire for more. 

We are all in some way the same person, and we all want the same things. "More" of whatever it is that you don't already have or don't have enough of. Whatever you're afraid of losing or afraid may not come your way. If we are smart in our endeavors to get "more" or be "it" then we will do good things with whatever is that is placed in front of us. 

To truly experience the privilege of having good people and great opportunities in our lives, we must appreciate the nature and the presence of everything around us. We must be dedicated with absolute devotion to the moment and the very instance that we live in. 

Consider a life where we're constantly racing to the next best thing to acquire whatever it is the rest of society wants. If that is where we live, constantly longing for something else, than what happens to the moments, the people, and the instances that we currently have now? We will have indirectly lost them all in the desire for something that we think is that much better. 

         If you are sitting on the bench, waiting for your shot, than you should be longing for far more than your spot to open up. You should be hoping for more time and opportunity to prepare yourself. Acquiring more strength and the courage for that very moment.You should relish in the opportunity of proving everyone wrong, in being the unspoken and doing the unexpected. You should live for the second you get your shot and make them hate that they've waited this long. 

         In everything that you do you must figure out a way to love where you are and realize what you have. You've got to find a way to ice everything in front of you, regardless of whether you thirst for it or not. 

You must STOP constantly wanting more, and by default eliminating what you already have. 

When I was at Stanislaus I felt like I could live forever and loved everything that was right in front of me. As much as I no longer wanted to be in school, and was so ready to move on, I realized that the people around me, my teammates and my family were people that I wouldn't find in any other part of my life. The girls I met on that team, my best friends, my mentors, were the catalysts to making me who I am today. The program I played for was, in my opinion, the best in the CCAA. Our growth spoke volumes to the conference, and we had the pleasure of playing against teams that hadn't changed since the first time we played them. 

We were constantly overwhelmed with opportunity. Not because we had any more than others, but because I knew we had it so much better than everyone else. We loved the team we played for and we may not have been the best in the league but it always felt like we were. 

SF State who had the same shitty game plan, same hideous uniforms and same crappy ass field was our perspective. They were never changing, yet always longing to play better soccer. I always felt like they were the worst team to play, yet the best confirmation of our blessed reality.

       My point is to say that although I love where I am now, I also really love where I came from. I spend little time worrying about the future, or how great the next best thing was, because I am so busy in awe of everything right in front of me. 

This life, for all of us, is so much better than it is for everyone else. We've got to stop trying to change it. Stop longing for  something else. For we have so much work to do with what we have right in front of us today. 

      I'd rather sit the bench at Stanislaus, than ever sport that awful yellow at San Francisco State. 
      That is my perspective.

I like to think that I don't appreciate any entity that isn't worthy, and I by default love my Alma Mater and the current place it has brought me to. I guess I'm STILL living in that moment.

       Appreciate that.

The Graduate

          I know a lot of people graduated this weekend. Earmarking a pivotal time in their lives, and even quite possibly an important movement in the world and particularly our generation. 

Going to school today is essentially saying that even tho the economy sucks, there's no jobs, and tuition continues to rise, that you're still going to believe and invest in the improvement of your life and the education that comes with it. It's putting aside off the distractions that exist in the world, and committing to not be strayed by all the hardships that enter your life.

Students that just graduated find that all of the things that were once so important become surprisingly minute compared to what their life has now become. They find that the majority of their successes and failures, and their temporary struggles all shrivel to irrelevance. It no longer matters the exams you passed or failed, or the courses that you slept through, or rarely showed up to on time. Most of the grudges, resentments, and disappointments that once seemed so important, soon disappear. Behind that cloud of obscurity lies new motives and dreams and a livelihood for your future. What lies in the distance is what may or may not take over your life forever. 

You see, as hard as school was, the good and bad times, the uncertainties and insecurities all soon fade away. You're immediately confronted with real life. You're immediately faced with your next step in your future and the world's idea of the "American Dream".

You'll find that the decisions that you make in that instance can define who you are for the rest of your life . What you bring to the things your life touches, along with what you learn determines the ways in which you affect the world forever. 

Every person, entity, organization that you encounter is looking for their story, as are you, and the way in which you interact with them may forever change them in whichever way that you choose.  

You'll find that the measure of who you are and who you become is simply what you choose to do with what you have. The choices that your class, along with the rest of your generation make will decide the fate for the rest of the country. 

We don't realize how strongly we affect the things around us. We don't realize that underneath all the nonsense, the incessant texting, obsession with social media, and all of the terrible strategies, that we are still a generation of incredible change. We believe in furthering equality and innovation. We're a generation that is prospering through war and a terrible economy. We are anything we want to be.

So, I encourage you to think strongly about the life that makes your heart beat, and not the qualities of the world that make them glorify you. I encourage you to take heed to the box that the world has put you in. To realize that the world has put parameters on everything that you can do. That they judge you based on how much money you make, the color or your skin, and what neighborhood you come from. They you tell what sex and race you can and can't date, and spell out a body type that's socially acceptable for you. The world puts you in a tiny box and in an attempt to fit in, we find ourselves conforming to it. We find ourselves chasing dreams that we don't believe in, simply because they told us to.

          I encourage you to put yourself in places where the opportunities are endless, and forget about the standards that the world has created. I encourage you to set goals that people believe are unrealistic, and consider the idea of what it feels like to not conform.   

I simply encourage you to be more than what they said you were.
          Because in between the Miley Cyrus', the social medias and the marijuana craze, we are still one of the greatest generations to grace this earth.
          I'm not requesting that you start a riot, or that you act differently than who you are, but I do request that you to be better than who you were yesterday. That you attempt to be better than the front runners of today, and that you dare to be different in the most forward direction possible.

Sex and Drugs Continued...

Lastly, because I cant stop(in reference below):

They say celibacy has died, and it is absolutely absurd for anyone in this generation to expect or still believe in it. But the truth is that celibacy is almost never introduced for the benefit of self worth and security. It is almost always introduced for reasons of religion and avoiding sin. 

Consider the idea of teenagers, keeping their virginity for the simple fact that the main reason they lose it is in hopes of staying socially accepted. Teenagers lose their virginity in order to gain confidence. But what if they kept it in order to first learn how to remain beautiful and worthy in the initial absence of sex. What if they were taught that sex was something that someone should long for from you, and require considerable care and patience to attain. I guess it doesn't matter much, because like I said, to each their own. But regardless of it all, sex is rampant, and with that self worth, self confidence, and security are probably at an all time low. None of us know exactly why, but most of us will blame it on society. We'll blame it on the media's depiction of the perfect and "acceptable" yet unattainable body type. We'll say that the world is not accepting enough, but the truth is that we make our own choices and we follow our own motives. Society does not make u feel unloved. You and the actions you take, young and old, are the reasons why you feel the way that you do. 

One of their most familiar teachings uses the example of an hors d'oeuvre tray. They say that if the tray is in front of you, eat happily what you want from it. If it is not yet come to you do not crave it, and if it has passed you by, do not long for its return. In theory, if you have acted wisely, you savored the treats while you had access to them, but would not have been sad had they not come your way, nor will you be sad once they are gone. For both of those circumstances are out of your control. The only thing you can control is your opinion of the situation (to care or not care about that tray that is so far away from you, and hence your expectations for the situation) and of course, your interaction once the tray arrives before you: to savor the bites of food, or to wolf them down without appreciation for the tentative nature of their presence in your life.

I’m not too worried about my next snack at a party, but the metaphor extends itself to all sorts of other things in life that we want for ourselves, that we yearn for regardless of practicality and build up all sorts of unreasonable expectations around, be it jobs, or money or that special someone. Most of my friends are skeptics of this Stoic point of view and its 'have no expectation' line of thinking, believing that there are some fundamental flaws with the outlook.

As a disclaimer, I must admit, that here I am talking about sex and love, and of all people have little to no experience in it. 

You see my problem is that I want to get married just like everyone else, but I have no desire to date. I don't want to date partly because I don't want to have sex. And I don't want to have sex because I don't want to come down from the high. I don't want to crash from the crazy ride that it takes you on from the very beginning. I don't want my sex life to become part of my identity. To affect when I go out and when I stay home. To have control on my self confidence and self worth. I don't want to depend on anything that is hard for me to control. I guess I just want to be free.  

Citing unknown source :(